Losing Lily

Wow. Until now I cannot believe that I am writing this post. 2 weeks had passed since she passed away and everything is still so unreal. It's my first day back from work. And no, not from my maternity leave but from  my bereavement leave. Yes, my precious baby that I have given birth to last December 25 is now with the good Lord. I don't want to get into details but every single thing that happened that day will be forever etched on my mind. I still want to continue this blog, same way that we want to continue living for our panganay Lila. Right now, I can't even imagine how it's going to be from now on. Everyday I still look for her smell, her face whenever she wakes up, the cute sound she makes when she's being fed. I crave for even the simplest moments with her. I've lost a mother, but the pain of losing a child is indescribable. I'm sorry I can't put into words what exactly I'm feeling right now. I am both trying to be really strong for my family but during my unguarded moments, I am hit with the realization that I will never be able to hold her again and the feeling is staggering. 

"I will love you forever baby, you will always be my yiyi"

Almost there, but not quite

So I'm suppose to have already given birth, but because it's me and my life usually, always never goes into plan, I have to wait for a couple more days to give birth. Why? The hospital that we have save up for closed it's nursery, meaning they won't be able to accommodate new babies at the moment. Crazy right? Now we're stuck and we're looking for a hospital that would fit our budget. I'm praying and hoping that everything will be okay because the OB said that I should no longer wait for the contractions to kick in. Hopefully, later today, I 'll be admitted but since I'm still out and about, let me just share with you some pictures..

Lily's space :)

My view during the check-up haha

"Please press when you feel your baby move"

Yesterday's lunch (and dinner) Pestoo! 

Finished!

Lila, this is what we did today

Finding the perfect space

Nothing beats having the perfect place to come to after a long stressful day at work. It is vital for our well-being that we have a space that allows us to just relax and rest our minds. For me and my family, house-hunting has been such an adventure for us. When Kiko and I were still "starting", we shared a room with another couple. This set up worked for us because we all have the same schedule and our personalities jive. But now that we're parents to two daughters, the qualifications for a suitable apartment changed drastically. I mean, now, we're no longer just looking for a room to sleep in. Our home should be a safe haven for us and out two babies. With this in mind, allow me to share with you a collection of do's that I've managed to pick up during our numerous moves (5 to be exact, going on 6)

DO:

Make a list. Take note of all the non-negotiable when looking for a place. This would help you narrow down your choices and make a decision much faster. 

Mind your budget. This is of course the biggest and baddest non-nego that you have to work around on. According to financial experts, the right percentage of how much you pay for rent should be no more than 30% of your monthly income. I'm not sure if we're following this but I'm going to try to find out since I've mentioned it, haha.

Manage your expectations. There's a reason why some apartments are cheaper than the others. It might be that the bathroom is too small, there are no built-in cabinets or the floors aren't tiled. This is where your non-negotiable comes in. Is having that terrace more important than a spacious kitchen? Keep in mind that we don't have the  budget, we may have to adjust our expectations and prioritize the features that are really important.

Be realistic. When we moved to a 1 bedroom apartment in Pasig, we thought it was a good choice since it was only for 4K and the size of the place was way bigger than what you can get for 4K in Mandaluyong. Downside is, the place needed a lot of work. The flooring was bad, the kitchen cabinets were a mess, basically the only good thing about it was the rent and the space. It was a couple of months before we realize that we are never going to be able to fix the place up. It was going to cost us more than what we're willing to dish out. And to top it off, the commute was just downright treacherous. Moral of the story is, try to consider all possible scenarios and make sure that you can commit to the place.

Alright, so you've found the perfect apartment and is looking to move in any time now. Congratulations! Now let me leave you with one final piece of advise that'll save you from having to house-hunt ever again. The one last DO is:

Discuss all the rules with your landlady/landlord. This would ensure that no misunderstanding will occur in the future. Make sure to cover everything from bringing of guests, having pets and of course kids. 

Since you're all settled, there's nothing left to do now but to just enjoy the new space and have fun decorating it. 

Only a couple more days to go!

I'm on ML!!! Finally, the only thing left to do now is wait. And that for me is the toughest part. We've finally figured out where I'm going to deliver so I just really can't wait. We just came from the hospital earlier and we were asked to come back on December 18, that's public hospitals for you. But hey, I'm not one to complain since I'll be able to take advantage of their free services. Yes, such things still exist. More on that later, for now I really don't have anything else to do but take pictures of me and Lila. It still amazes me every time she wakes me up saying "Mommy!" accompanied by a mild tap on my face, well sometimes it's not so mild especially if she's been awake for a couple of minutes already. Right now, I'm just enjoying the downtime with my family. It's nearing Christmas and I'm hoping Kiko will be able to spend it with us. Here's a sneak peek on our family time, notice that we're always lying down. That's bonding for us! Haha, Sorry we're a bunch of blobs but we're blobs together. Yey!

My Family

And in preparation for the newest addition in our family, I went shopping! ONLINE ofcourse, because nowadays I'm having trouble even going to the bathroom. I was able to score this newborn set which I think is just awesome because this lot is only for P250, with shipping the total came to P370. It's such a steal because the tie-sides at the mall were P150 for 3 pieces. And since we all know how much of an awesome mom I am, I was not able to save all any of Lila's newborn clothes before. It feels like we're starting from scratch, good thing there's ebay for mom's like me. Teehee. 

(10 PAIRS MITTENS,5 PCS HATS,7 PAIRS BOOTIES,6 PCS SANDO,2 PCS SHORTS,2 PCS SNUGGLE BLANKETS,10 PCS WHITE TIE-SIDES) 

I'm really excited, I'll be packing for the hospital real soon and I can't wait to share it here so you'll have an idea on what to bring and what not to bring when you're about to give birth. Believe me, I am not the most efficient packer so there will be tons of things that I might end up forgetting. *sigh* So many things to do, so little time and energy. Let's all take a deep breath, say a short prayer and hope for the best.  

First Delivery

Let me tell you how it was the first time I went into labor. I am now 8 months pregnant and being this far along got me thinking of that time I gave birth to Lila. You have to understand, me and Kiko, we were not the best planners. It was 2 o'clock, March 3 when I felt the tiniest bit of contractions. I knew it was different from the ones I was experiencing before. This one feels like a gripping pain in my lower abdomen spreading throughout my lower back. It was uncomfortable but bearable. I was advised to try to go back to sleep because it's not going to be for a couple more hours. I think I was able to but probably around 7 AM is when the contractions started really going at it. We called for a midwife and she said that I was only 2 cm dilated. I need to be 10 cm to be able to start pushing. So it seems that I have a lot of waiting to do. I tried walking, reading but nothing seems to take my mind off the fact that a baby is trying to push her herself out of me. Haha, at 4 PM, it was time to go to the hospital. Since we don't gave any plans, we decided to go to the public hospital 5 minutes away from my house. When I got there, I found out I was only 5 cm dilated, 5! Seriously!? I didn't panic then, I figured the baby would eventually come out when she's ready. But the contractions are already a few minutes apart and lasts for more than 5 seconds. Translation: I was in hell.  Sorry, but that's really the first phrase that comes to mind when I try to recall those feelings back at the hospital. They were terrible. You don't know where to find comfort so you just try to breeze through it by holding onto something and breathing. I did read some articles about the process of giving birth, but no amount of research would've prepared me for that. At around 11 PM, the doctor decided to do the c-section because I'm still at 5 cm and my water already broke. Since this is a public hospital, you have to buy all the things that are going to be used for the operation. I was already in the delivery room but I had to wait for 45 minutes because Kiko had to run out and get them. I kept looking at the clock hoping and praying that we'll start soon. When we finally did start, I was already too exhausted to feel anything. They asked me to assume a fetal position so they can administer the epidural. And then blackness, next thing I knew they were holding up a bundle of something but I can't really move to get a better look. I drifted off to sleep then. I think it was around 2 or 3 AM when they transferred me back to the room. The first time I really got a good look on Lila was from the pictures Kiko took at the nursery. I haven't held her yet. 

I think it was on the evening of the 4th when they finally gave her to me. She was biggest baby there, she was almost 8 lbs., no wonder she can't get out. Haha! We had to stay at the hospital for a couple more days. They first had to make sure that my system was functioning properly. Our bill came to a total of 6,000+ but that's without the supplies Kiko bought when we came in and the one's for the operation. All in all we probably shelled out 11,000+. That's pretty cheap considering it was a c-section but it was a public hospital in Laguna and I was in the ward, so yeah, you win some you lose some. But the important thing is I was able to deliver my baby without any complications and we were able to get out of there without any infections whatsoever. Lila and I were very lucky because we were blessed with people who helped us get through all that. So this time, I'm praying for the same fate for me and my second child. We're a bit more prepared but like I mentioned there are some things you just can't be truly ready for.

I'm about to give birth in a couple of days, may the good Lord bless us. How it goes, of course you'll know. 

Dear Santa

Christmas is only a month away and I bet a lot of you are already planning on how to get through the holidays with your budget intact. Well, the harsh truth is, it ain't gonna happen. Haha, aren't holidays suppose to be that time of the year where you can spend all that hard-earned cash you've been saving up? No? Shoot! Oh well, even if we do have savings (which we don't) it's all going to be for the baby. But in the spirit of hope, let me give you an idea of what I would buy if I have the moolah for it. Because really, anyone can dream right?    

Yes, you are looking at a refrigerator. Why is it there you ask? Because we don't have one yet! I know, the concept was very foreign to me before as well, but after moving out when I was 18, I've learned to exist without needing it. Fast forward to now, we realize that it's high time we invest in one. It would really make planning for meals really easy and the money we can save from all the take-outs is a real bonus. 

Next up, a double stroller. Imagine the comfort of having both your kids chillin' on one of these. And also the comfort of not having to carry them, haha! Seriously, I really want this. Lila's getting so big, even Kiko is having trouble carrying her for long periods.

Laptop. This would make my blogging life so convenient. 

And lastly, my ultimate wish! My very own home office. My goal for 2013 is to finally be a certified WAHM. :) 

How about you, what's on your list?